Why I Get Depressed

Because all my life ever since kindergarden i was made fun of by other kids and i never had any real friends and when i got older it got worse because every girl i liked didn't want anything to do with me. Before i go any farther let me explain something there have only be 6 girls in my life that had what i call "the effect" over me. Here is a list of things that they effect:
1st. i could be so mad that i want to hurt anyone who messes with me but i just see them and my all my anger just disappears and i am at peace.
2nd. i could be so depressed that i could careless what happened to me but i just see them and i am happy.
3rd. they could cuss me out or just ask me to do something for them and i would do it with out a second thought.
now when i was in high school i tried asking one of the girls that had an effect on me out and she told me no she was busy that night so it was fine until i was walking back from lunch and since nobody really notices me i over heard her tell one of her friends that she had lied to me and from then on i felt and continue to feel like i am just to ugly to ever find a decent woman to date me so when i get depressed thinking about how so many people have someone that they love and loves them and how i am so ugly that i will never find someone like that so i would be better off dead. because if you read my poems you will see i have so much love in my heart it hurts and it has been so long that the same thoughts that get me so depressed also sometimes get me so mad that i want to take my bare hands and kill everyone who has ever made fun of me or who ever is dumb enough to knowingly get me mad namely my siblings and my dad. heck when i was up in job corps and i showed the head shrink my poems he looked up at me and i'm not lieing when i say this he said "You need to get a girlfriend. But unforuneatly for you i can't help you with that." and he told me to just keep taking my medicine and it should help some. so hopefully you'll understand why i want to kill myself on a daily baises and hopefully i won't have a bad down day because then i will make no promises to anybody.

oh and just to clearify there is never more than one effect girl in the picture at any one time =]