Life changing choices

This sunday is going to be a big day. I will have to say good-bye to my good friend crystal. And there is a good chance I will have my name stripped from the records effectively leaving the church. Until I find better reasons than I have now which aren't very good reasons if you consider them reasons at all.

News

I have news for everyone but unfortuneatly if I post it and my dad reads it. It will spoil the surprize so everyone will just have to wait until saturday night sunday morning sorry.

I tried to kill myself today

But i failed i took 54 motrin ib pills and waited to die but it wasn't until i called my dad and asked what would happen to someone who took that much asprin at one time he said it would just make them sick and not die if i don't post for a while it will probably because they committed me and if my dad is wrong and i do die i'm sorry crystal i just couldn't go on living my life because i couldn't stand the emotional pain i was constantly feeling every minute of every hour of everyday of every year.

Why I Get Depressed

Because all my life ever since kindergarden i was made fun of by other kids and i never had any real friends and when i got older it got worse because every girl i liked didn't want anything to do with me. Before i go any farther let me explain something there have only be 6 girls in my life that had what i call "the effect" over me. Here is a list of things that they effect:
1st. i could be so mad that i want to hurt anyone who messes with me but i just see them and my all my anger just disappears and i am at peace.
2nd. i could be so depressed that i could careless what happened to me but i just see them and i am happy.
3rd. they could cuss me out or just ask me to do something for them and i would do it with out a second thought.
now when i was in high school i tried asking one of the girls that had an effect on me out and she told me no she was busy that night so it was fine until i was walking back from lunch and since nobody really notices me i over heard her tell one of her friends that she had lied to me and from then on i felt and continue to feel like i am just to ugly to ever find a decent woman to date me so when i get depressed thinking about how so many people have someone that they love and loves them and how i am so ugly that i will never find someone like that so i would be better off dead. because if you read my poems you will see i have so much love in my heart it hurts and it has been so long that the same thoughts that get me so depressed also sometimes get me so mad that i want to take my bare hands and kill everyone who has ever made fun of me or who ever is dumb enough to knowingly get me mad namely my siblings and my dad. heck when i was up in job corps and i showed the head shrink my poems he looked up at me and i'm not lieing when i say this he said "You need to get a girlfriend. But unforuneatly for you i can't help you with that." and he told me to just keep taking my medicine and it should help some. so hopefully you'll understand why i want to kill myself on a daily baises and hopefully i won't have a bad down day because then i will make no promises to anybody.

oh and just to clearify there is never more than one effect girl in the picture at any one time =]

How I see myself

I think of myself as mostly a loser.I stay in my house all day only leaving when I have to. And all I do all day is play antrophia and talk to my friend bret on the game.
Heck I get so depressed that about a month ago I was considering going to my bishop confessing all my sins and then go off some ware and kill myself.That was until I met this wonderful person who didn't know me from a whole in the wall and didn't have to be nice to me but was I count her among my friends and I hope she considers me a friend to.Which is why I intend to join the marines if they will have me so that I may protect my friends so that way if I do die I will die protecting my friends.Because for me to call someone friend to me it means I love them like you love family and I would do anything for my friends even lay my life down for them.
I might feel low 99% of the time but I am always willing to do what ever it takes to bring my friends up when they feel so low.I am more than willing to help a friend when they are having trouble even if that means doing something I don't normally like to do. and yes i know i am sounding a little mellow dramatic but that is how i feel about friends i thought they deserved to know just in case one day i decide that friends or no friends and i kill myself because i predict this short burest of happiness won't last much longer i predict any where between a few weeks to a few days it just depends on how much more down hill my life goes their isn't much that can stop it from going down more than it is. so thanks for your time and if you don't here from me again thank you for your time and i'll see you when i see you and to anybody my death causes pain for i'm sorry but i don't think i can go on living my life much longer it just isn't fair to me to have to feel like this.

The Devil

The Devil

By Joseph Ford Jr.

Some people give the devil no credence and think of him as nothing more than a concept.
And I say this to you my friends it is easier for the devil to trick you into performing acts of sin because if you think of the devil as nothing more than a concept. Because then you are also thinking of sin in that same light since he represents sin itself. You also are thinking of god and Jesus as nothing more than a concept as well because you must remember that the devil is brother to us all and to god he is also one of his fallen sons who he weeps for. So remember that in thinking of the devil as nothing more than a concept you give him more power and make it easier to trick you into committing acts of sin. And remember this that god loves to see his children happy and the devil likes to see them sad. Also remember this that we are not here on this earth to punish are selves for all our sins because that is god’s job. Are job when it comes to sin is to repent and never do it again. So remember friends repent of your sins learn not to do them again and be happy and good so that we may see him again.